About Lord Zion

I was born, rolled around a bit, did stuff in nappies, was very confused by the whole thing, waddled around, impressed myself with my new found mobility, promptly fell over, went to school, realised that most teachers were pretty dumb, realised most kids were idiots, got bored, got more confused, got pubes, discovered girls, got discovered by girls, discovered rock n roll, got discovered by rock n roll, got very drunk, got sober, got even more drunk, met Vikki, started a band, started a brand, had more fun than should be legal, remembered a lot of it was illegal, got even more confused, sobered up, got jaded, life happened, wrote a film, wrote a book, moved up a mountain, quit music, got way more confused than I had ever been before, got some ducks, started a blog.

15 Things About Lord Zion

Here are 15 little gems you never knew about the man himself:

  • NUMBER 1.

    I was once sued by LucasFilm over ownership of the domain name the-phantommenace.com. Like all good rebels I reminded them that the Ewoks beat the evil empire so they can go shove their lawsuit up their arses. Eventually, they gave up. Alas, in a period of being Fucking Skint, I had to let the domain expire and they immediately snapped it up.

  • NUMBER 2.

    As a kid, my dream job was to be a cartoonist for The Beano comic. I was always doodling and became known among my peers as the go-to cartoon guy. I even wrote to DC Thompson (publishers of The Beano) to ask for a job. I was 10. They said no. All notions of drawing for a living disappeared when I discovered rock n’ roll.

  • NUMBER 3.

    Occasionally, I make little bets with myself which are tests of my will. The dumbest one was when I bet myself that I couldn’t wear shorts all year. Bearing in mind that I don’t live in Florida, this meant snow, rain or shine. And, boy, did it snow and rain that year! I still have those mental images of me trudging through the snow in little denim cut-offs and white cowboy boots. Did I mention I also used to be a girl? 😉

  • NUMBER 4.

    In my early twenties I shared a house with over 200 animals. It started off with a cat and ended up with snakes, ducks, chinchillas, chipmunks, rabbits, rats, guinea pigs, hamsters, jird shaws, Russian hamsters and mice. It got slightly out of control and, being in a suburban house, soon drew the attention of the local council who demanded we got rid of them. This lead to me and my house-mates appearing on the national TV news and in national newspapers.

  • NUMBER 5.

    My favourite number is 18. This started upon the birth of my little brother, Gary, who was born on the 18th November. Throughout my life, many major milestones have occurred on the 18th day of whichever month, for example, that is the date Vikki and I got together. When releasing CDs with the band, I would always try and sneak the number 18 into the catalogue number.

  • NUMBER 6.

    Naturally, being a cool rock guy, I screwed up all of my school exams. All except one: office skills! My mum was a secretary and I would admire her touch typing abilities. It was something I wanted to learn so chose to do that when choosing my GCSE subjects. Of course, being a chap in a room full of girls meant that the teacher ignored me. The obstinate bastard within thrust forth with a “I’ll show them” attitude which soon propelled me to top of the class. I topped all of this off with an Advanced A grade which was a county record for years.

  • NUMBER 7.

    I wasn’t quite right as a child. A good example of this was when I used to pretend to give birth on the bandstand in the town centre of the town I grew up in (Crawley). I would enter the bandstand, scream “I’m going to have a baby”, then lay on the floor, legs splayed making my bestest giving birth noises until I birthed my jacket. Clearly not right in the head.

  • NUMBER 8.

    Shortly after starting the band, Vikki and I purchased an old hearse to transport ourselves and our gear around in. It was a 1984 Daimler DS420 which we called “The Boner” and had sign written with our band logos and the legend “Rock Like Fuck” above the windscreen. [picture]

  • NUMBER 9.

    Connected with the first entry, I used to deal in vintage Star Wars toys. When The Phantom Menace was announced (which was when I bought the aforementioned domain name) I was on a mission to be among the first to sell the new toys. Somehow – and I still cannot work out how – I ended up being the first in the country to have the new figures and, as these were the first images of any new Star Wars characters, it was a big deal. Such a big deal that I ended up on the national early morning TV show The Big Breakfast. Alas, this was during my drinking daze so I was very drunk, despite it being about 8am. I do remember that Kelly Brook was chatting me up leading to the friend I travelled with calling me a “bastard”.

  • NUMBER 10.

    As you know, I work out. A lot. Like many who exercise, I take supplementation. This used to be quite hard to find and could only really be purchased from Holland and Barratt stores. Sadly, being poor, I couldn’t often afford to buy it, until I had a brainwave… So, I bought a tub of protein powder, took it home and emptied it refilling the tub with a combination of Chinchilla dust (used, of course) and flour. This tub was then duly returned to Holland and Barratt, “My mum bought me the wrong flavour” for a full refund. They stuck it back on the shelf and I have forever been left wondering what on earth happened to the poor bastard who ended up buying it!

  • NUMBER 11.

    During my teenage years my favourite TV show was “Moonlighting”. I wanted to be Bruce Willis really, really badly. So much, in fact, that I used to mimic his sideways smile which has stuck to this very day.

  • NUMBER 12.

    The T-Shirt company I run with Vikki is so notorious it has appeared in the national press as a disgrace on several occasions. Our proudest moment, however, is when the Advertising Standards Authority wanted us to sign a document promising that we would “not spread widespread offence” ever again. Of course, we told them to fuck off and even adopted the slogan “Causing widespread offence since 2002” shortly thereafter.

  • NUMBER 13.

    I have never been a fan of Iron Maiden so, when presented with someone who was wearing an Iron Maiden jacket in a pub, I took it upon myself to set fire to it. It was a long jacket which draped over the back of the chair whilst the guy wore it. I snuck up behind and lit the bottom then sat back and watched as, first the smoke hit his nose followed by him noticing the flames licking up toward him. Hilarious. My companion in this put him out with a fire extinguisher pulled from the wall.

  • NUMBER 14.

    A life-long love of Smurfs resulted in me being the biggest Smurf dealer in the UK for a very brief period of time. Among my biggest thrills were when these huge boxes would arrive from the toy manufacturers, Schleich, filled with those little blue rascals. It was a business doomed to failure, however, as I kept more than I sold. In fact, when I first met Vikki and she visited my bachelor pad, there was an entire Smurf village set up. And yet she stayed. Not sure if that says more about her or me!

  • NUMBER 15.

    My passport has a page in the back of it with an official notification from the government stating, “The holder is known as Zion only. The holder does not have a surname & Zion is used for 1st name purposes only”. Despite this, I still get baffled looks whenever I go through customs when travelling. Ah, the joys of a mononym…

Lord Zion’s Gallery

“Most people are stuck in a rut and drift through life without asking the very important questions. Am I happy? What could I do to improve my situation? Am I where I want to be in life? Am I doing what I want to be doing?”

-LORD ZION from “A Life Amid Crisis”

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