Like most boys under the age of about 50, there isn’t much funnier than drawing a huge penis on something. Be it a forehead, a bible or an ancient chalk carving in an English hillside, us chaps have been representing our genitals anywhere and everywhere since time immemorial, me included.
This activity is not big or clever but it is funny. It doesn’t really matter where or when you see a depiction of a willy, it always raises a smile. Keeping with tradition, as an early teenager, I often would graffiti dongs on walls, books and surfaces. Two occasions spring to mind, the first being an underhanded, sly engraving of a teeny-peeny on the examining table at the vets. The second was an incident that caused something that could only be described as An Awkward Moment.
I’m not one that embarrasses easy. A couple of decades of poncing about on a stage will eradicate self-consciousness from most people’s being. It wasn’t always that way though and, as a kid, if caught in a compromising position, I would crumble easily. It never stopped me though.
There was a public paddling pool not that far from my childhood home. It was empty for half of the year but, during the warmer months was swamped with other children and young teenagers like me. I would go there with my mates regularly, eyeing up girls, trying to steal knickers and generally being obnoxious. Good, harmless fun. There were a couple of large metal structures in the grounds, very plain and uninteresting so, one day, I figured I would decorate them.
So there I was, doodling a giant cock onto one of these boxes for the whole world to see. It would shock, entertain, maybe even enlighten. I spent quite a lot of time on it – pubes, spunky head and veins – and was proud of my work. Standing back to admire it, I realised I was not alone; I felt the presence of someone who was not there when I started my art installation. Turning around, expecting to see a park ranger or similar, I was almost relieved when I saw that it was the mum of a schoolfriend. That relief lasted a nano-second when I realised that IT WAS THE MUM OF A SCHOOLFRIEND!! The one I walked to school with every day. The one whose house I went to every weekday morning to meet up with her son for the stroll. The one who had fed me when I stayed over and given me the run of her house.
How the hell do you get out of that? I was caught red-handed, pen in hand, standing in front of my art. I said “Hello”, not sure of the response. “Oh, hello Zion. How are you?”. Could it be that she didn’t see my misdemeanor? Truth be told, I don’t know. It wasn’t mentioned and, after a sleepless night worrying about what she might say the next day, she didn’t mention it then, either. Phew! I can only presume that it was SUCH an awkward moment, she had no idea how to deal with the situation so decided to feign ignorance.
From that point on, I became a bit more of a pussy and, any schlong-shaped-shenanigans were rendered under the cover of Ninja-like stealthiness. To this day, however, this remains a moment in life that, when recounted, I shudder at. If you have any, do share them below.