It’s been a while. A long while. No excuses, just malaise. Laziness. Can’t be arsed.
Which is not very me. Or at least it wasn’t.
Not sure what has happened this past couple of years. I used to be such a go-getter with multiple projects on the go at all times. No sooner had one massive endeavour finished, I was already part way through another. And another. And another. But lately..?
Yesterday, however, I felt a small change. You see, someone bought my book from Amazon, then got in touch wanting to interview me for their podcast, Mouth of Manliness. Flattered, I said Yes and, after a couple of false starts it went ahead and I enjoyed it. But that wasn’t the change-prompter. That was the interviewer himself, Nick, who commented on how much I did – or had done – throughout my life which was out of the ordinary. Or extraordinary.
Now, I don’t have the ego to stand on a soapbox and yell LOOK AT ME! (well, not often) but I did come away wondering What The Hell Happened? And I have come to the conclusion that my lack of ambition has coincided with a massive decrease in confidence which has been brought about by no longer being a prancing diva on various stages around Europe. I miss some of that. Not the crappy parts of it, but the bit where I stand on stage basking in adulation. I mean, who wouldn’t miss that?
I have so many things I need to complete. Want to complete. The two big things being Meet The Cadavers (which is an editor-securing nightmare) and my second book, Now What?, which is – frankly – hilarious. I would also like to try and get one of my other movies made. I have two screenplays just sitting around not doing anything other than being ideas on pieces of paper.
Life has gotten in the way. Life and rejection. Life and unhappy incidents and rejection and the aforementioned malaise. I want to do something about that.
So consider this post a call-to-action to myself. A promise to try to get back some of the mojo that has sadly been lacking in my life for far too long now. I need to get back into my old time-management techniques. I need to stop finding excuses not to do things. I need to open myself up to opportunity again and be ready to strike when it presents itself. I need to stop doing the things that I need to stop. Every day that I have wasted – and there has been a lot – is a shame. I am not going to dwell on it or beat myself up over it, but I am going to Try Harder. To do at least one thing a day to move myself toward, well, something.
That has been the biggest problem: no goal. It was easy when I was rockin’ and rollin’ – just more of the same ever upward. The goal was simple, the journey was fun and there was ample opportunity. Now, there is less of a goal. I don’t know what I want to do, I don’t know what I want out of life, I just know that this isn’t IT.
Watch this space…